Awkward

   

So I am an awkward mom at age 51, it may seem funny to some and maybe some of you can relate to my story. I feel like I am back in the high school halls where everyone judges your hairstyle, your skin type, your clothes, and yes even your parenting style. You decided to have a baby at age forty and now the mom's groups are for the twenty-somethings scene and children under seven. You really need the companionship and a place for your child to fit in but no one seems to want you or your child. In 2011 I started going to a fun little homeschool group just so I could talk to other mothers and my daughter who has Aspergers could be exposed to other children even if they were younger. I met a few moms but, again in their early twenties and either pregnant or toting a toddler around. I tried fitting into their world but it was like trying to fit into the popular girl's group they were so clicky and really we had nothing in common.I was fortunate, however, to go to a function in Duluth where some kids were playing in a huge fountain in the town center. Little ones were screaming and excitedly running in and out trying to not get too wet teasing brothers and sisters to chase them.It looked like a lot of fun and I knew Maddy would love participating.As I sat there I noticed another mom whose daughter looked a bit younger than mine and we got to talking.After some ice cream and lots of giggling, I invited them to swim at our neighborhood pool later that summer. After many play dates, the girls seemed to get along well and we did a few things more together picnics, park dates ect. I really like the mom even though we were clearly ten years apart in age, she had been going through a few heartaches at home and I was there as a friendly ear for her. We were connected on Facebook too so we could check out what was going on in one another lives, see pictures and get invites to the homeschool functions. Everything was going well until I decided one day to get off Facebook, I was being challenged business wise on the site and received disturbing things. I made an announcement I was getting off and said if you need me please text or phone me.I thought I was being cordial and that everyone including my friends would understand, that was the furthest thing from the truth. This same person took it personally and thought I was dissing her and her daughter.She yelled at me stating I had hurt them and that I had lost her daughter's trust. I was shocked, I had clearly written and told people that they could call me or text me anytime that it was nothing personal. She had never tried to call me or text me she just assumed I was a bad person, I apologized and invited them for a swim and a picnic I wanted to make it up to them and told her I was very sorry this was awkward for me and I was very nervous. I paid for everything including fruit, cheese, mini sandwiched etc.I wanted them to feel like they were appreciated and that I meant what I said. As I sat there alone with her at the pool it was the most awkward few hours I have ever experienced.She talked to me only if I asked her questions and she acted like I was a stranger, I couldn't believe this was the same person who had opened up to me and confided in me like we were sisters. Our daughters in the pool had fun but her daughter acted very snobbishly to my daughter when they were getting ready to leave. Remember this was all because I had gotten off Facebook. I have never heard from her since it still shocks me to this day and it still bothers me although I don't let it ruin my day. This would not be the last time it would happen though, Stupidly I got back on Facebook mainly because my older children wanted to share things with me and my youngest son is a musician and he wanted me to keep up with his band. After a few months, I decided to start a homeschool writing club for children ages ten to fourteen. I wanted to encourage my own daughter to write more and to have fun with kids her own age. We had a few people interested and one family had children my daughter's age which thrilled me. We had six months of fun and crafts and even sleepovers with this family. I considered this mom a close friend and we talked about many things including the children, I thought I could trust her to be a good friend and I was glad I had found her. I think at the time she was happy she had me as a friend too and our daughters needed each other because both girls had a hard time with making friends because of the Asperger's. I made the mistake however of telling the mom that her daughter had hurt my daughter's feelings and I just wanted her to know. I also said that if my daughter had ever hurt her daughter's feelings please let me know that I didn't allow meanness in our family. I couldn't believe it when she sent me a list of things I never knew about all in a text. I was shocked at some of them such as my daughter was violent and had broken her daughter's doll's head while she spent the night at our house or that my daughter yelled at her daughter about turning off a lamp at their house. I never saw a doll and I never heard an argument, I did ask my daughter to tell me if she had seen a doll or if they had not gotten along and she said no. Now I know many of you may think well your daughter may be lying and you could be right except that in our daughters Asperger's case she tells on herself all the time. It's like she has an honest button that switches on if something does happen she will cry and come hang on me.We will talk and she will tell me whatever has happened.She has done this since she was about three and I think it is a good trait to have. I tried talking to the mother more but she said she could not talk to me on the phone she was on the Asperger's spectrum and she couldn't handle conflict. I really was kind and said I just wanted to talk to her more about all the things she had said and wanted to get each of the girl's stories. I ended up emailing her back and forth several times and she just told me how awful my child was making excuses for her child. I kept thinking to my awkward self, why then did you keep coming to book club and why when it was just her and I didn't she say how she felt? Now mind you I tried to be a good friend to this family, I knew they didn't have much and would treat her and her four kids to lunch once in a while, I also brought them to our pool several times to play and hang out, we spent a lot of time at the park and the bookstore.I ended up apologizing to the mom and took all the blame even though I never did anything it was yet again another awkward moment in my life.I don't like people to be angry with me and I can't understand why this keeps happening, I have friends back in Louisiana who have been in my life for over twenty years and we never had disputes or misunderstandings like I am having here. I have a friend in Tennessee who has had my daughter at her house for two weeks straight with her family and has never seen any of the actions that were told to me by the friend in the book club. Her daughter and mine met through pen pal letters and we see each other twice a month, her daughter comes here and my daughter goes there for a week or two at a time. I have never had any problems with this wonderful family at all, I just wish they lived closer. I find with my youngest daughter it had been harder to make friends, I am not certain if it is the times we live in or if the people who we attract just aren't meant to be in our lives. When my other kids were small it was so much easier to make friends and to talk about anything and everything, nowadays you have to watch what you say and really think about how someone may react even if you are trying to be a Godly woman and do the right things.I wish I could just be me and people could accept me for who I am and stop being so defensive when you try to talk to them about problems that arise.

Friendship Turned Upside Down

  I have been very fortunate to have friends since I was very young. I remember long bike rides til dusk, sleepovers that lasted so long I would come home exhausted and many happy birthday parties.
I think it's a really important part of childhood and it made me feel accepted and loved.

   For my youngest daughter, this is not the case she has Aspergers and does not do well in social situations.It has been difficult to make friends due to trust issues and bullying while attending our local elementary school.

   My family has tried to help her through these issues but it still takes her a while to really open up and let her guard down. When we made the decision to homeschool I thought it would relieve some pressures and help her feel more secure.

   After about six months of really working on self-esteem issues and getting into a routine with our new schedule, we decided to start a homeschool group to meet and make new friends.
We started a book club slash writing group because Maddy really loves to write stories and read.

  We advertised on Facebook and received an interest from a mom with three kids who also loved reading and writing and art. I was very excited and thought we were on our way to making some new friends and our stress of bullying would be over.

  All went well for the first six to eight months and all the children seemed to get along really well.
They would laugh and joke and play games with each other and we regularly met outside of the group.
Then suddenly I noticed a new attitude from one of the younger siblings who was close to Maddy's age.

  She started becoming bossy and sassy to everyone and this started bothering my daughter. It wasn't so much the sassiness it was being told that my daughter didn't know as much as she did and that everything Maddy thought was ridiculous or wrong.


 I thought maybe this child was going through some growing pains and her mother was working on some behavior issues. I did notice that she was allowed to talk like this around adults and thought maybe her mom was embarrassed and shy and didn't want to make a scene.

 In my house, we don't allow sassiness no matter where we are and I would have taken Maddy aside to speak to her but this was another mom and it was her child. Surely she would nip it in the bud herself and it would be over soon.

 This was not the case and Maddy continued to be bullied by this child.How awkward it can feel when a parent is right there witnessing this happening to your child and does nothing about it. I finally had had enough and decided to confront the mother, I felt comfortable enough to talk to her when our kids weren't around.

 I called her and left a message asking her to return my call when she had some free time. I didn't leave any details except that I needed to speak to her about the children. I have never really had to confront another parent in all my years of parenting our older child so this was new to me.

I decided to remain calm and sweet not to upset anyone and recited my case. I explained that my child couldn't understand why her daughter was acting so mean and bossy whenever they got together and what had changed? Had my daughter done anything to upset her daughter?

I felt like on that day I was one of the worst mothers in the world.The mother became defensive and outright mean. She told me on a recent sleepover Maddy had asked her daughter to move a lamp so it wouldn't shine on her face and that upset her daughter. I laughed to myself but I knew her daughter was also sensitive and maybe Maddy had said it mean.

 During a recent stay at my home, her daughter had made Maddy cry because all this girl wanted to do was read a book on her tablet the whole night. I politely asked her if she would like to go home since she seemed not to feel good? She told her mom I lectured her about playing with Maddy and she believed her eight-year-old. I told her mom that no such thing happened and she accused me of calling her daughter a liar.

 Consequently, she stopped speaking to me and I was baffled, I couldn't see what I had done wrong?
How did this happen so quickly? Why was her mother unwilling to even see my side of the story?
All these questions circled my head and I was really upset. I even tried working things out and apologized even though I had felt I did nothing wrong.

 My whole point of this story is now that we are not friends she has gossiped how Maddy and I are trouble makers and that people should be careful about making friends with us. The only way I know this is because one of the moms that started coming to book club approached me and was honest and told me.

 Why are we not allowed to defend our kids? Why are we wrong for trying to do so? What makes another person's child better than yours? What has happened to society and why is everyone so defensive? What started out small became such a burden that it dissolved a friendship in just a few minutes and over ridiculous things.

 I also am hurt because of this one incident we are being judged unfairly. Adults, as well as kids, are being bullied and it is time to put a stop to it. We should be able to teach our children that bullying no matter how old you are is just wrong.

the girls had  their first sleepover.

Handling more than God gives you

On February 10th 2005 I gave birth to our fourth child and second daughter Madelyn Grace Landry in Slidell, Louisiana at Slidell Memorial hospital.

Holding this gorgeous tiny life brought more joy to my heart than you can imagine. She weighed only 6lbs and was a beautiful shade of rosy pink, the nurses in the hospital loved having her in the nursery, she seemed like the perfect angel and we had been blessed after four tragic miscarriages.

 My perception changed a little when the perfect angel was between the ages of two and six,  I remember thinking "Wait! God, you made a mistake! I don't have the energy or the patience to deal with this mini version of Napoleon!" 

 She barely slept at naptime, would run around the doctor's office and literally climbed the walls and silently rip magazines or books while we were waiting. I would ask her doctor at that time "Is she hyper? is she suppose to be this energetic?" The doctor would laugh and tell me she was just playing or trying to get attention from her siblings.

   During the summers we would go to a local gym their outdoor pool was wonderful and it would give us somewhere to keep cool during the long hot Georgia days. I thought being outside and active would be good for both of us. I also was hoping to meet other moms and make friends for Maddy. I had it all planned out in my head and life seemed like it was going to breeze by.

 Maddy threw major fits about most things, having to wear a life vest or sitting down while eating a snack. She would run off and act like she didn't hear me when the whistle was blown for the fourth time because she ran instead of walked. All the other moms would look at me like I was being mean when I constantly had to hold her down while sitting in our lounge chairs during lifeguard breaks. I would try to hug and console her but she didn't want anything to do with me.

 I often cried and felt like a terrible mother because my other three older children never acted like this. I often blamed myself being older and not having as much patience.  I didn't realize until she was a bit older that she suffers from Aspergers and a lot of what I couldn't understand when she was younger was because she couldn't express herself.

 Finally, one day at preschool both of us had a very rough day and both had been crying. I asked one of the mothers. "How do you know God gave you the right child?" She looked at me so sweetly and sympathetic, she knew I had my hands full and that I felt lost. Her voice was gentle and kind "God doesn't make mistakes" she began" he gives you the child he knows you can handle no matter what."

Those words have brought me much joy on many days when I thought" God, I just can't take anymore I need a reprieve." God has given me a beautiful child whose heart is after his. She has a kindness and gentleness about her that was hidden under all that wildness.We have been working on helping her deal with Aspergers and she also has been helping herself.I have a deep love for all our children but Madelyn is the angel God sent down from heaven just for me.

A picture of Valentines 2017

  Today is Valentines and though we have a busy day, we make time to attend an art class for children who are home schooled.

  My daughter  Madelyn is often afraid of being around other children her own age, She has feelings of not being able to fit in and becomes anxious quickly because she has Aspergers. Here at this class she feels safe and loved by her teacher, most of all she knows she is protected from bullying. Here she can express herself without words on the days she can't handle much stimulation or she can talk freely without feeling pressured.Her teacher is extremely sensitive to each child and their need to feel accepted.They have rules they must abide by such as "No talking" when someone else is talking and a list of bad words they may not say. She makes certain to teach kindness, respect, and self-confidence through a special art project during each class.  Personally, I love the fact they learn much more than arts and crafts they have an actual artist of the month and they study their works of art and recreate one or two of them. The kids also learn about the contributions the artist has made to society.  Recently they had an art contest hosted by a community ice-cream shop. The idea of the class was to work with our local vendors and give back by creating paper mache ice cream works of art.The children were judged on how real their ice-cream creations looked and how colorful and enticing they were. Madelyn's didn't win but her version of a paper mache chocolate chip sundae looked scrumptious to me. I believe it was a good way for the children to work together and feel comfortable in their own community. "This class is educational but fun!" said one of the parents "we wish it could be every day!' To me as Madelyn's mother and knowing all the sensitivities she deals with this class has made a big impact and gives her a way to socialize in a small setting  It is so good to see her happy and smile too. She attends two classes a week for now with a third day in the near future.